Sunday, December 4, 2011

Super Late Entry: Ultimate Weapon!

It's still the only one, so I think my train gun wins. I just got a photoshop program and wanted to play around with it, but I'm still not that great at it. But here's the train gun in action showing that it is good anywhere, against anything.


And, as you might have guessed, the train gun actually creates dimensional rifts where trains--which the company has going along looped tracks at all times and at various speeds--depending on the setting you use--burst full speed out your gun at your enemy.

There are of course other options. And yes, they have these lions leaping non-stop pony express style so there's always a lion ready to jump out at your enemy... and pounce them to smithereens.

But mainly trains. Olde Timey ones too, but I'll photoshop that another time.

And as much as I searched, I could not find a good picture of 12 year old boys to show you what the train gun could do to them, but you can use your imagination.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Guy an a Buffalo


Not the ultimate weapon, but definitely the ultimate.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Challenge the Next!

The other day I was talking with a friend at work about a zombie apocalypse. We were speaking of the benefits of a good polearm. Much better at dealing with zombies because it gives you some breathing room and doesn't run out of bullets. And yet, bullets sure are nice in a zombie apocalypse. While they last. Anyway, so we started thinking of rifle/polearms which are not just rifle's with bayonets. As it got more elaborate--a staff with blades on both ends and somehow shooting out of both or one end as well--I got to thinking, what IS the ultimate weapon? Surely the interweb could help give some awesome ideas. So I googled it and came up with... nothing much.

I mean, it's fun and all, but I was hoping for something plenty more ultimate. There were some swords, some guns, some crowbars with sniper sights, but nothing really ultimate. Googling "Most Dangerous Weapon" didn't drastically improve results.


 Panzer bot is pretty awesome, but it's not quite ultimate. Is this not a gross oversight? Google most dangerous animal and you'll get tons of awesome stuff from a shark/elephant to bearsharktopus to this:


 Anyway, the challenge I propose, if Aed's still up for challenges, is to come up with and post the ultimate weapon. The internet needs it, those planning on fighting hordes of 12 year olds need it, and the future Steward of Scotland will certainly need it.

Post entries by Oct 20th.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Slapping Lions

El-Sayed El-Essawy 1

This is one of the most awesome things I've heard since Elephant-Riding Space Cowboys.

This guy is going to fight a lion... for freedom. "When I defeat the lion - which I will - I will pull an Israeli flag out of my pocket, and drape it over the lion, and put my foot on it."

Al-Masry: If the event is successful, how will you follow it up? More lion fights?

Essawy: I have a whole series of shows planned in my head. I will pull an airplane with my teeth, and I will pull an airplane with my hair. I will also be run over by an airplane. In between each of these acts, there will be lion battles.

How will he fight?

"I will have to use a new fighting style I’ve developed, which is called 'Life or Death.'"

What does that fighting style consist of?

"Everything. It consists of a series of combination moves. I will start off with the slaps, but, you should know, my slaps are unlike any other. My strength is truly incredible and unprecedented."

Anyway, I should stop cutting and pasting some awesome bits from the interview. It's all awesome. All the time.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Just overheard while walking across the U of U campus...

"So, do you think animals have STDs?"

That's the question...what do you think?

Helloooooooo! Is anyone still out there?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I WIN!

...because no one else entered. :(

Looks like Spencer will be wearing this on Saturday:

And, of course, this will be stitched into the crotch of his trousers:


Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Return of the Creative Challenge

Remember the days when we issued regular challenges to each other that encouraged creativity, sharpened wit, and kept the band together? I miss those days. Ergo, I am bringing back the challenge.

This particular directive is in honor of our dear friend, Spencer, who currently smiles at me from the surface of my refrigerator, along with lovely Heather, whom he will soon marry. These two will marry on Saturday, 20 November, as we as his friends will need to help him decide to wear on such a grand occasion. This is your task, my friends:

Each of us must provide a suggestion, a design, or some sort of inspiration for what Spencer will wear to his luncheon and/or reception (I guess we all know what he'll be wearing to the actual wedding). These must be posted by Wednesday, 17 November, in order to allow Spencer enough time to decide what to wear on the following Saturday.

I miss you all and love you very much. And I hope that you're all still checking this blog.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Imagine a movie

that ends like this:



Now Netflix "Second Glance."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I care to differ...

Were you taking the Bearsharktopus into account?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Time Has Elapsed

Time has elapsed on the story writing contest.

Those who failed to submit are disqualified from winning this particular challenge, though the winner is free to choose someone who did not submit to choose a new challenge. We hope to get more participation in the future. Ahem, despite any “legitimate” excuses that people may have.

Excuses like, “I was out of the country,” or “An alien was growing in my peritoneal cavity,” or “I’m too cool,” or "I was going to, but I think the Lincoln assasination is still kind of clogging up my psyche," or whatever it may be.

Voting ends July 10, 2009 at precisely 2pm. Please have a read, a laugh, a smile, maybe shed a tear or two, and then vote for which story you liked best.

Sincerely,

Hercules Albinious Copperpot Dupré

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Breadbox

It was a dark night. It was a stormy night. Far down wolves howled and wailed at the black, moonless sky like clerics of some primeval sodality. Aqueous orbs tumbled and twirled from their cumulonimbeous birth to the lonely earth below, shattering into millions of featureless specks - bursting and breaking their bodies on the windows of the house where, inside, it was warm and dry.

The last embers of the hearth fire were dying slowly as the old man sharpened his knife on the leather strap, crouched like a wizard at the cauldron. It had to be sharp. It would be sharp. He tried to avoid the thought of another night holed up in this old cabin. The rain and perhaps the wolves had driven them away to seek shelter, but he knew they would return. He could try and make a run for it but on foot and in his condition he’d make it one, maybe two miles before they caught his scent and chased him down.

The knife was sharp enough. He cracked the barrel of the shotgun – still loaded. Four shells left in the box. That meant five shots. That wasn’t much, but with the windows securely boarded, plenty of food and water, he could last four more weeks if he was careful. He stabbed a piece of spam with the knife and let it slide down into his mouth. The saltiness of the meat made him thirsty.

“Too bad there was no alcohol in this shack,” he thought. Not that he’d drink any. Sure, it’d take the edge off, but he needed that edge if he was going to survive this. He could still hear the wolves howling, but now it sounded less like a spiritual cry in the night and more like the barbaric yawp of a crazed warrior standing over his slain opponent, blood still steaming and sloshing out in waves while the dying heart convulsed in reflexive spasms.

“They must’ve got one,” he thought. Whether they did or whether the wolves would turn after eating their rotting flesh was a frippery he didn’t need to waste time thinking about. A swear left his lips. “Shit.” He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know anything.

Knock, knock, knock. They were here. He crouched down near the couch, the hair stood up in the back of his neck and he prepared himself for the barrage of pounding and moaning that would soon begin all around the cabin. He waited.
Knock, knock, knock. “Hello? Is anyone in there?” Knock, knock. The doorknob clicked and clacked as whoever it was tried to open the door. More knocking and then the voice again, that of a young girl. “Please, let me in.”

The old man peered through the peephole and saw a girl, maybe 19 or 20 standing outside; a dark sweatshirt with the hood pulled up over her blonde hair. She was soaked. He unlatched the bolts and chains and removed the board laid across the frame and opened the door, ushering the young woman in and then quickly relocking the door and replacing the heavy board that barricaded it.

“Who are you? Where did you come from?” barked the old man.

“My name is Shannon, we were camping up at Deep Creek when they came,” she said tearfully. “My family is dead. What are they?”

“The living dead,” said the man, avoiding any chance for misunderstanding.

“What do you mean?” asked the girl.

“What I said. Like the Book of Revelations says, the dead will rise, the sea will yield up her dead, yadda yadda yadda, and so here we are.”

The arrival of the girl meant company, but it also meant danger. Four weeks turned to 2, maybe 3 with an extra 140lbs to feed. His chances of making it on foot were even less now, unless… no, no, thay wasn’t a viable option. Her couldn’t be like them or leave her to them.

Now that she was here though, a dreadful realization came into his head: the breadbox. She couldn’t touch it, she couldn’t touch it. She must never open it or touch it.

“Don’t touch the breadbox.”

“What?”

“Leave my breadbox alone. Never open it.”

“What? Okay fine,” the girl answered confused.

“It’s just – I don’t like – Don’t mess with it or look inside. I have a phobia of people messing with my breadbox.”

“Okay,” the girl said, unsure of how to react, unsure about whether this cabin was actually safer than the woods, even with them out there. At least it was better to be locked inside with an old kook and his vagaries than be outside with a group of cannibalistic undead. The breadbox looked normal enough, and she was fine with leaving it alone.

“You hungry?” snapped the old man.

“No,” Shannon said, pulling her knees up to her chest as she sat against the wall.

“There’s beans on the stove.”

“No thank you, I’m not hungry.”

“Well you will be soon enough.”

Five days passed by with no sign of life or them outside the cabin. The rain had stopped, but no birds sang, and at night there were no more cries from the wolves, not even the crickets chirped. Shannon’s initial concerns about the old man faded as time passed on. Since his initial warning about the breadbox, he hadn’t done anything crazy or irrational. In fact, he had proven quite saavy and aware of current events, movies, etc. He reminded her of her grandfather except he was clean shaven and her grandfather wore a well-trimmed moustache. She had never seen him touch the breadbox or open it. Her curiosity grew day by day.

On the sixth day, she decided she would wait until the old man fell asleep in the late afternoon, as he had for the five days beforehand, then she would quickly flip open the lid of the breadbox, see what was inside, and close it just as quickly. A short glimpse would be all she’d need.

About four-o’clock, the old man’s eyelids started to droop and before long, his breathing took on the unmistakable rhythm of slumber. She crept quickly and quietly across the room to the counter where the breadbox lie. Her fingers steadily reached for the small handle, wrapped around it, and gently lifted up to reveal the inside of the box.

The old man was ripped awake by a powerful force, as if someone had tied a speedboat to his chest and pulled him off the beach at full power. Then he felt the freezing cold and the void and blackness all around him. He struggled for breath, as he floated helplessly about, the young girl slowly rotating a few feet from him, mimicking the rotation of the blue planet below. As each one of his cells was cut to shreds by the ice crystals beginning to form inside them and as his lungs sucked in on themselves like a vacuum packed steak he had two almost simultaneous thoughts: he should’ve taken his chances with the zombies, and that stupid girl opened the breadbox. She opened the damn breadbox.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Adventures of Liz, Book 3: A Winter’s Feel Good Story

It was a dark night. It was a stormy night. Far down wolves howled and wailed at the black, moonless sky like clerics of some primeval sodality. Aqueous orbs tumbled and twirled from their cumulonimbeous birth to the lonely earth below, shattering into millions of featureless specks - bursting and breaking their bodies on the windows of the house where, inside, it was warm and dry.

However, despite the warmth, the mood in the house was a sniffly, miserable sort. The combined bad mood of 20 or so out-of-shape individuals who had just skied cross country for 3 hours through torrential snow. Liz had warned them. She didn’t know how this trip had ever taken off in the first place. Eric, her supervisor, had said he’d like her to plan a little outing for the office. To engender office solidarity. Liz thought that really Eric hoped having her plan it would make her feel more a part of the office team, not so new. Liz agreed to do it with some trepidation, thinking no one – except maybe a few of the student employees – would sign up to come. Not all these mothers and fathers and grandparents that worked here.

She didn’t know that Eric had sent everyone else in the office a memo “strongly encouraging” them to go on the retreat. When she’d seen that most of the office had signed up to come, she had said a swear. A very bad one.

As the day of the retreat approached Liz had hoped that the threat of a snow storm would scare everyone off. She imagined several people excusing themselves, saying, “I’m sorry but I have the most terrible fear of, um, snow.” Instead Eric assured everyone that the snow wouldn’t come until later in the day, and if they left early enough they’d be safe and warm in plenty of time. Liz had wanted to say, “No one ever leaves early enough,” but she refrained.

They did not leave early enough. And of course everyone had weighed down their packs with all the frippery items Liz had told them not to bring. She found it hard to watch her colleagues try to manage the skis with their legs wobbling here and there. It didn’t take long for people to start saying things like, “I thought you said it was flat,” with fake smiles on their strained faces.

Joey and Steve were the only student employees that had ended up coming. They were athletic and kept rushing off ahead of the group then skiing back without even working up a sweat, reminding Liz of a couple of 7 year olds and irritating everyone else. About every 15 minutes one or another of the group would ask for a rest stop. After about an hour Gerald – an older man who Liz though of as a suspicious character – said, “How close are we? It’s gotta be only a few more minutes.” When Liz said they weren’t even half way, he called her a bad word. One which even she seldom used.

Soon after that it started snowing. Hard. Most of them hadn’t worn the proper gear and were soon soaked through (“I thought you said cotton was good for wicking!” Phyllis had said.) An hour later, a few people had actually started crying, and the requests for rest stops had increased to every 5 minutes.
Liz suggested at one point that they should turn around, but Eric swore it would take less time to forge on to the house. He seemed to be having the time of his life, and Liz was pretty sure that some of her colleagues would never forgive him for it. Nor, she bet, would they forgive her.
When they finally reached the house and threw their wet, frozen bodies through the doorway, Liz thought no one except Eric, Joey, and Steve, would ever talk to her again. Everyone else huddled together near the fire, which Liz had made sure to get started as soon as she’d laid her gear to the side. They kept their backs to her. Eric sat with them, talking cheerfully, and people responded because he was their boss, though they gave him bitter looks behind his back. After getting settled Joey and Steve pulled out a couple packs of beer each. Liz looked at them in barely covered disbelief. What kind of vagaries did they think they were going to be getting up to out here?
It didn’t take long for the two boys to get stupid drunk. Some people had started talking about braving the cold again in order to use the outhouse situated several yards from the house, but no one wanted to do it. Suddenly Joey offered, “If you don’t want to walk all the way to the outhouse just go in the snow.” Someone retorted that it would be even colder.
“You just gotta brace yourself.” Joey said.
“Why don’t you do it then?” Steve said, laughing a little in a stupid drunk sort of way. I bet you can’t stay out there long enough to write your whole name in the snow.”
“I bet I can stay out there longer than you can.”
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Liz said. She didn’t have much patience for these sorts of competitions. But Steve and Joey didn’t listen to her. When they pulled open the door, the wind that blew in felt frigid. Everyone shouted at them until they closed the door behind them. A couple people got up to watch them through the window, but most everyone else stayed by the fire, pretending at disinterest. Liz didn’t imagine that Steve and Joey’s delicate man parts could stand up to the freezing air for long, and she was right. Steve got to the second ‘e’ in his name before zipping up and rushing back to the house, where he hopped and grunted and tried not to cradle his crotch.
Joey forced himself almost to the second to last letter of his last name, Belliozingel, then came stumbling back in, trying to force a look of triumph onto his pained face. “I’m the Wizard of Whizz!” he shouted, then crumpled up in a ball, grabbed his privates, and began to moan.
For a moment everyone stayed silent, but as they watched the two boys writhe on the floor, the humor of the situation began to overcome the bad moods brought on by the arduous cross country trek. Everyone started laughing. Eventually even Steve and Joey laughed too. 20 minutes later, a few card games and board games had broken out. Phyllis had pulled Liz into a conversation with a couple other ladies, Eric was telling some of the other men about the time he escaped an avalanche, and Steve and Joey – having changed into warmer pants – sat with Gerald, exchanging what sounded like dirty jokes. Liz looked around, and thought maybe the retreat hadn’t been such a bad idea after all.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Give Bollywood

another chance... and that is assuming you've written it off. I had until I saw this.

But it's back for some serious ass kicking!